Several years ago, my wife and I spent our honeymoon in Fiji. As we sailed from island to island, the local community welcomed us to their nightly kava ceremony. This was a gathering of hundreds of people who socialized by consuming a drink known as kava. As the evening wore on, the huge crowd continuously broke up into smaller groups until there were only a handful of people in each circle. What started out as raucous story and joke exchange became much more intimate; it quickly became apparent that the purpose of this gathering served more than a social purpose, it was for healing and feeding the soul. I realized how intuitive the need for intimate human relationships was among the communities, how essential it is for us even today and yet, how far removed we’ve become from this primal need for personal relationships.

Like humans, monkeys have a very advanced social life and structure. In order for primate communities to function at an optimal level, they need to be limited to between 20 and 50 members. At this size, each member knows the others quite well, personal bonds are strong and the social order flows easily. If the community exceeds 50 members, the social order starts to break down. To avoid chaos, the group naturally splits into two, with new relationships established and the order preserved.

Because humans share over 90% of their DNA with primates, it’s no surprise that we function in very much the same way. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar of University College of London discovered that the ability to maintain stable relationships is limited by the size of the brain’s neocortex (the large outer layer of the brain). Unlike other animals, humans and primates’ neocortexes have deep grooves in them, giving us a much greater surface area for billions of additional neurons. It’s here that we have the capacity to build relationships. Based on the size of our neocortex, sociological data shows that humans function best in groups of 150 or less. In other words, it’s not possible for us to have more than 150 relevant connections with any semblance of depth, at any one time. Beyond that, relationships and order start to fall apart.

This revelation isn’t new. The military has known about this biological necessity for many years, which is why military strategists keep fighting units limited to approximately 150 soldiers. In larger numbers, the groups suffer when hierarchies and sub-factions form within the group. At 150, formalities are unnecessary and mutual loyalty occurs naturally.

Humans are social creatures, and we thrive in each other’s company. However, in the last 60 years or so, especially in Western culture, we’ve emphasized radical individualism over social bonding. We’ve attached our self-worth to things like income, career, accomplishments and consumerism. As we’ve rushed to prove our worthiness by chasing after these things, we’ve let social and familial relationships dissolve in the wake of our individualistic pursuits.

As individualism rages on and humans continue to gather together in cities of immense proportion, it’s technology and social networks that are supposed to restore the primal connections we’ve lost. We’re told that we can have the best of both worlds – we can still make our lives all about us while occasionally “checking in” with family and virtual friends, and still feel nurtured. What it’s gotten us is even more loneliness as we continue to substitute real connection with convenience. Technology, specifically social networking, has completely skewed our primal sense of what real human connection is. We’re collecting virtual “friends” online, giving no thought to what that word really means or what these people actually contribute to our lives.

We’re confusing friendships with acquaintances. We share a casual experience with acquaintances, at work or in high school. With friends, we share a history. Acquaintances are people we know of. Friends are people we know. There’s a big difference. I like to say a real friend is someone who’ll show up at 3:00 am when your car breaks down on the highway. How many people do you know who could pass that test? That’s how many real friends you have.